Perpetual Marks

The boat is sinking, and I feel like I’m at the wrong side of it. The role I am playing right now seems unbalance. Destabilize. Distort. Twist. The equilibrium of the scale turns out to be a fraud. A deceiver. A liar. A false storyteller. Oh, I forgot – everything I see that glitters ain’t always gold. All this time, my vision of collecting things like a broken glass that sparkles on the ground turns out to be temporary lights: it fades in a sec.

So sad…

I am too kind to let things go easily. I am too kind to give considerations to someone who does not deserve even the half of it. I am too kind enough even the impossibilities, I break barriers to save many. I am too kind enough even if I have to lie straight to my face that it’s okay to give chances as many as you can when the truth is right there in front of you, knocking in front of you to stop doing the same shitty old thing that you usually do (all the time). I am too kind to pretend that it’s alright to leave your heart unguarded when you know that “they” will be there for you when it is only beneficial. And the list goes on and on…

Is this really the vocation I hoped to be extraordinary and noble? Am I doing the right thing? It is not that easy to say, “Okay, go ahead, pull the trigger! I’m bullet proof!” when I know for a fact that I am not.

This is not really my principle at all. I know I said that I want “them” to remember me, but not like this. I want them to remember me that I might able to help them grow in knowledge with manners involve too, for the world is harsh and I want them to be prepared for the real battle: to the bigger game of their lives. X marks the spot. The real deal target of why “they” are here.

I did not sign up for this! At least I know I’m not. Give me back my state of mind when the four corners of the room are a place for learning and valuing things parallel to the reality when we go outside of it not daydreaming about distorted cinematic scenes but a happy place that feels like home.

I did not sign up for this! This is too much of a headache for me! I am not beautifully numb. I have feelings too…

And ta-da…

Here I am, feeling like I’m repeating the cycle again, 3 straight years in a row…

Oh, this is what I get from pursuing this kind of profession after graduation.

But then again (I remember) my teacher once said, “If they succeeded to their chosen track of their lives, you have to take part of it, because you have played something useful for them to achieve it like a good instrument to play. But if they failed, then do not also forget that you have to get your fair share as you contributed something to their drawbacks.” Sigh to this. Back against the wall of the illusionist. Truly, truth hurts.

So now, I have to blame myself (in advance) for those who are losing their way right through the hilltop they are aiming to. And I am sorry for being not good enough for you to see the light spectrum of success. I never thought you would be that bright without the blindfold as well. And I am ready to take my part now. Feel my deep remorse my children.

X marks the spot. And in the end, my perpetual marks will be your guide or your conscience on the way to realizing how far you go without the brakes.

“I told you so” will never be my last words to you…

*This is what I get when I befriended words. I cannot control my mind especially on days like this. Too much headache and thinking through the lenses of the microscope. I’m blinded by the things I felt on not so vibrant happenstance. But hoping for better days…


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