Perpetual Marks

The boat is sinking, and I feel like I’m at the wrong side of it. The role I am playing right now seems unbalance. Destabilize. Distort. Twist. The equilibrium of the scale turns out to be a fraud. A deceiver. A liar. A false storyteller. Oh, I forgot – everything I see that glitters ain’t always gold. All this time, my vision of collecting things like a broken glass that sparkles on the ground turns out to be temporary lights: it fades in a sec.

So sad…

I am too kind to let things go easily. I am too kind to give considerations to someone who does not deserve even the half of it. I am too kind enough even the impossibilities, I break barriers to save many. I am too kind enough even if I have to lie straight to my face that it’s okay to give chances as many as you can when the truth is right there in front of you, knocking in front of you to stop doing the same shitty old thing that you usually do (all the time). I am too kind to pretend that it’s alright to leave your heart unguarded when you know that “they” will be there for you when it is only beneficial. And the list goes on and on…

Is this really the vocation I hoped to be extraordinary and noble? Am I doing the right thing? It is not that easy to say, “Okay, go ahead, pull the trigger! I’m bullet proof!” when I know for a fact that I am not.

This is not really my principle at all. I know I said that I want “them” to remember me, but not like this. I want them to remember me that I might able to help them grow in knowledge with manners involve too, for the world is harsh and I want them to be prepared for the real battle: to the bigger game of their lives. X marks the spot. The real deal target of why “they” are here.

I did not sign up for this! At least I know I’m not. Give me back my state of mind when the four corners of the room are a place for learning and valuing things parallel to the reality when we go outside of it not daydreaming about distorted cinematic scenes but a happy place that feels like home.

I did not sign up for this! This is too much of a headache for me! I am not beautifully numb. I have feelings too…

And ta-da…

Here I am, feeling like I’m repeating the cycle again, 3 straight years in a row…

Oh, this is what I get from pursuing this kind of profession after graduation.

But then again (I remember) my teacher once said, “If they succeeded to their chosen track of their lives, you have to take part of it, because you have played something useful for them to achieve it like a good instrument to play. But if they failed, then do not also forget that you have to get your fair share as you contributed something to their drawbacks.” Sigh to this. Back against the wall of the illusionist. Truly, truth hurts.

So now, I have to blame myself (in advance) for those who are losing their way right through the hilltop they are aiming to. And I am sorry for being not good enough for you to see the light spectrum of success. I never thought you would be that bright without the blindfold as well. And I am ready to take my part now. Feel my deep remorse my children.

X marks the spot. And in the end, my perpetual marks will be your guide or your conscience on the way to realizing how far you go without the brakes.

“I told you so” will never be my last words to you…

*This is what I get when I befriended words. I cannot control my mind especially on days like this. Too much headache and thinking through the lenses of the microscope. I’m blinded by the things I felt on not so vibrant happenstance. But hoping for better days…


The Mind of an Idiot/So it Goes…

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Call it a regular. Call it something unrecognizable. Does something require anything? Does it require you to pay for a cause? For a cost? A debt to pay? And IOU’s? The mind of an idiot is far more better than the mind of an “intellect” wherein an idiot does nothing to prove nothing while an intellect does something to prove anything unusual just to prove a point. What a ten-cent worth! Name the price. It costs you, life.

Life starts here. At the end of the rainbow, there is a pot of gold waiting for you to claim the prize. So, what’s the prize? Oh, a ten-cent worth made up of clichés and norms with a bonus track – “Shame on you!” Congratulations! It’s a celebration! You win!

And as for me, the only consolation I received is to lie here in my bed and put these memories to rest for a bit. After all, I have the mind of an idiot. I’d rather have “The Mind of an Idiot” than having that sound alluring to the ears, “Ka-ching! Ka-ching! I’ll be rich!”

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Me, just trying to understand something then trying to process it and the moment I knew it, I instantly smiled and looked back not regretting it, but owning it. Just me, trying to embrace the preconceived notions throwing on my pedestal. I carry the weight of it and my heavy heart as if I’m Atlas, carrying the weight of the world like no one’s gonna help me, just me alone suffering the irrevocable curse bestowed upon me.

Flashback to my mistaken turns. Flashback to my gift of faults. Flashback to the songs, poems, essays written out of pain. Flashback to the name carved in the tombstone in the name of being honest. Flashback to the foreshadowing emerging out of the blue of chaos, depression, light vs dark era, drowning moments at the dead sea, “Vincent Van Gogh or Taylor Swift” lifelike happenstance, to the names they called and to the stories they told…

Finally, I am me again. I want to remember this moment. Or that moment.

3 Keys: A Conundrum

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About the 3 keys:

As I looked back to the learned past, I’ve been through, I come to realize how thankful I am to the mixed emotions I’ve felt from my environment these days and nowadays. This somehow molds me in becoming a warrior to the battles I will continue to fight on and strive hard to achieve something impossible people do not want me to be, for I am a sort of a weakling for them. But I believe that it is the low that makes the high so sweet, so I am ready to cross paths with Goliath if that will be the case. And I am so damn ready for it.

Thinking through different lenses, I become eclectic in various types of phenomena life’s throwing at me. Thus, the 3 keys created by yours truly, as conundrums in this crazy beautiful life others might understand if they felt or feel the same way as I do. Life is truly a mystery to celebrate its existence with love, hope, peace and acceptance in our own lines.

I am so proud of my gifts God bestowed upon me. And I am solid through thick and thin.

Here’s “the 3 keys” for you to collect!

*First Key:

I am very much comfortable living in a bubble that I forgot that I am truly living on a swaying wrecking ball. So sad, I cannot fix what has been broken. The damage has been done, even the strongest bandage cannot mend it.

In a crowded room, where vultures start circling in the circumference, no one is here as a man or a woman: just a boy and a girl. You know what’s crazy? Sometimes, I also play grown up in this game called, “Who Will Last in the Play-Pretend Game”.

In this so-called house that the forefathers built, what a good foundation – everything, everyone gone plastic. The norms? Be mechanical. But here in this place, it’s quite different from that. In case you want to find out, go here. The place is cold but the people here, hmmm… HOT!

*Second Key:

And now here I am, in a place where I can be me, I feel like I can be anything, say anything, try anything or do anything. No witches and wizards to please, just me time doing the things that I really like in the first place – losing myself in a story.

I smell freedom and comfort here. But just when the bell rings, it becomes an alarm clock signal for me to wake up and go back to the real world.

You can find me here, ask the keeper, as my name engraved on the list.

*Third Key:

Finally, you are here. I’m getting used to people leaving me behind. Not literally leaving me behind let me tell you that, but as they have finally seen the greener pasture outside these walls.

I’m happy for them, truly am. However, as they told me that if their doors finally close – the end game of their chapters here, another one will open for sure to be here. And ta-da! Here you are, like a lighthouse; I am seeing the light of the day, again. Ha-ha!

Thank you for being a good mentor and now a friend to me. I did not see it coming, but I am forever grateful for this chance in knowing you more as a person. I am carrying your principle with me as before on becoming and now I am quite like you – a guide, an adviser, a teacher. Your heart, your personality and your passion to do good things and to inspire others are paving the way for me to absorb positive light and hope for tomorrow. And with that, I think, I am on the right track. So, thank you!

The Guy in a Dream

A guy. Just a guy.

The guy I have never met in my existence. The guy who are just standing there, yes, just standing there with his eyes mysteriously and nonchalantly talking to you to come near him and join him on the abyss of nowhere where light versus dark phenomenon existed – echoing like cacophony, but a beautiful disaster; a beautiful trauma for me. What does this dream imply? Who is this guy? Why does this guy keep on coming back to me – IN MY DREAMS? Is this a constant reminder of something? Mmmhhh… Hideous? Appealing? Bane? Boon? Is this a loop that I must figure out the connection between me and him? Or is this a sign?

All my life, I have never felt a dream that consciously bothering me, that keeps me awake in the middle of the coldest night. A guy in between average and model–like physique (as what I remember about him), bright blonde yet short curvaceous hair, mystique foreign face, sun kissed skin (probably because of the sunny weather), rosy lips like Boselli, an aquiline nose like Harry and eyes bluer than the Circassian sea like Percy is looking at me (like I am a piece of meat, I guess) as the motion of the sea and the dancing coconut trees acting like a Morse code signaling you to come near him. His smile, not catatonic, but a lavishing expression of singularity (in a good way), alluring you like two magnets perfectly destined to match. The effervescent of the light surrounding the guy in a neon classic garments in a summer beach (to hell the place, I do not know) is somewhat magical in the eyes of many circling around him. How can you escape in that charm when you are enchanted by his appearance? The parallelism of our differences seems like a gateway of a mutual understanding of two atypical worlds – the upside down.

Perplexing thoughts billowing amidst the certainty of the great unknown. But there’s nothing settled in a place called dream, for it is only just a dream. A loop kind of a dream wherein I keep on coming back in time where I met him. But just when I grabbed the opportunity to go near him (wherein I run swiftly towards him), that’s when the guy disappeared like tears in the rain slowly evaporating in the air. Then, I woke up hyperventilating that it seemed like the oxygen that I breathe made me dizzy. And yet, here I am, trying to sleep back again hoping I could go back to the place I met him.

To the guy I met in a dream: if you are real, I would very much like to meet and talk to you for I need answers to the questions hounding in the back of my mind. If you are real, I need to see you. If you are real, I got to find you, so that the war in me will come at peace and I will stop contemplating and going crazy pondering that you are just a subtle reminder of a smoke and mirrors. You are such a dream to me!

But until then (if I could go back), I would definitely like to see you in my dreams, again and again… and again.